


saying it now comes easily

by orphan_account



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Closeted Character(s), M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Racism, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-28
Updated: 2016-08-28
Packaged: 2018-07-29 09:30:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7679203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky's trying not to get caught, Steve's trying not to get hurt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	saying it now comes easily

iii.

When Bucky crowds into the space of his neighbor sitting on the counter, stands in-between his legs and presses their lips together, he knows this isn't the sleepover his ma had in mind, and he has no excuses ready. 

All the lights are out, and the luminescence of the street light outside shines through Bucky's kitchen window, accentuating Steve's profile and his every movement, pinpointing the look in his eyes; everything he's been trying to pay no heed to. Bucky came downstairs for a popsicle, tired of lying in bed in a pool of his own sweat. It was hot, but knowing that Steve was just beside him, head next to his feet, staring down at Bucky stare back at him in silence - it didn't help much. So when he closes the icebox and turns around to find Steve on the counter, unannounced with his knees apart almost invitingly, he neglects any logic, any contemplation that his parents are _right_ in the next room, anything that wouldn't gratify the growing monster in his gut (in his mind) once and for all.

He can't think much about his abandoned ice-pop melting next to his foot because Steve has wrapped his legs around Bucky's waist and his hands are glued to his neck. They both hesitate at first, only giving in when they feel like they can't take anymore of the uncertainty, and they kiss, and kiss, and kiss. He opens his mouth first and Steve follows, to share their very oxygen, as if they couldn't get any closer. Bucky has one hand on Steve's hip and the other wrapped roughly in his hair because it gets Steve to breathe those pretty noises into Bucky's mouth, and it's then that he briefly believes he could do this forever, and perhaps he's not the only one. 

It's when they both hear the noise of the house cat knocking something over that they partially spring apart, the realization of situation hits Bucky like a brick, and he's pushing Steve away from him as hard as possible because he can't be here - doing _this_. The fear clouds his mind and eyes too much for him to see the hurt in Steve's eyes, although he knows it's there because he's hurting too.

Steve tries to calm his breathing while Bucky holds his forehead, then he cleans up his popsicle on the floor and they both go upstairs just like they came down - without a word. Steve sleeps on the floor.

 --

ii.

It's 1936 when Steve and Bucky first meet, and they're crowded on the front steps of the Barnes' residence. Steve has his shirt tucked into his khakis, with a matching jacket to top it off, obviously not minding having to pull his sleeves up every 5 minutes. Bucky observes this, before his ma shoves him towards the boy on the steps to sit.

Bucky seems to have no intention on speaking, only glancing over beside him every few seconds. Steve introduces himself. "Hi, name's Steve." He says so quietly, so timidly.

"Alright," is the only reply Bucky gives him, before Bucky is on his feet and in the house, leaving sitting Steve alone on the steps. Steve can only miss the provision of warmth from Bucky's knees.

Even if Bucky's first impression was a little ill-mannered, in the future, he comes to a realization that Bucky is actually not all bad. He always tries his hardest to make Steve laugh (which isn't fucking hard at all, once even made him spit up his cola through his nose), and was there once to clean the bruises he earned when he told off a girl for stealing his lunch.

He thinks about it now - that he probably would've felt better if he'd just let her have it; and it briefly crosses his mind that if he had, Bucky wouldn't have been that close to him then.

\--

iv.

The next time Steve and Bucky see each other, Bucky is yelling at Steve as quietly as possible. When Steve excuses himself to the bathroom during Mass, Bucky trails quietly behind and has him roughly pinned against the wall before the door is fully closed.

"Get offa' me," Steve struggles, alarmed and insecure, but it's useless because Bucky isn't letting up. He grips Bucky's wrists from where they are by his shoulders, wide eyes and brows furrowed.

"I need you...to get any idea, anything you think you know about me- about _us_ ," he emphasizes with another rough shove. "Can it. That night, that thing was a mistake. I would never- I'm not," he pauses, visibly distressed, reluctant to finish the sentence. "You can't tell _anybody_ , you hear?"

His eyes are red from the tears he's trying to hold back, his voice is so desperate for Steve to just **hear** him, and Steve hopes his face doesn't show how badly he understands. If Bucky knew just how much he feels the same way, if only he would give him a chance. He just lets himself sink further into the wall, let's Bucky's mind go rapid and take him prisoner.

Steve's suit jacket that was once freshly pressed is now a wrinkled mess from Bucky's fists by the time they leave the restroom, and he really hopes his mother doesn't say anything of it; he doesn't wanna talk about it. Steve still sits next to him at Mass, and offers to share his Bible with Bucky.

Bucky takes it without a thank you. He doesn't say anything, so neither does Steve. He knows it won't happen again.

\--

v.

It happens again, when the Barnes have invited Ms. Rogers to the grand opening of this new jazz club in downtown Brooklyn. Steve catches a glimpse of her, and he's already certain that he has never seen his mother dressed so beautifully.

She tells him he should go next door to keep Bucky company, and that's how they end up on the floor. Bucky lying on his back, and a flustered Steve who's taking too long to get off of him. It was an honest-to-God mistake when Steve clumsily steps on one of his shoelaces and collides with Bucky right at the bottom of the stairs. 

Bucky hasn't pushed him off yet, (but he's trying his best to look angry) and Steve hasn't apologized. The air in the room seems to have vacated, and there's an intense change in atmosphere as Steve notices Bucky's breath has sped up and his eyes boring into Steve's, searching.

"We shouldn't," Bucky doesn't even think he believes himself. "it's no good, you know."

Steve has his eyes open long enough to see Bucky close his, before they're they're moving their mouths together and Steve knows nothing other than there's a feeling pooling in his stomach that he never wants to leave. Steve's just trying his best.

Steve's jacket is clenched in Bucky's hand, and he's being pulled down harder, like Bucky's trying to get something, and the sound of clashing teeth eliminates the silence throughout the room. They're both being sloppy and desperate at this point, but Steve still has a fistful of Bucky's hair and Bucky keeps catching Steve's bottom lip before going back in.

He pulls away and trails one of his arms up Steve's. He keeps his eyes pinned shut, too ashamed, "I'm not like that,"

"You sure?" Steve softly retorts when the doorknob jiggles and Bucky stills, the grip on Steve's back turns something painful and he's being shoved onto the floor before his mind can catch up, again.

Bucky gets up and wipes his mouth, looking Steve right in the eye before he exhales sharply and walks past the boy on the way up the stairs, turning around to point at him like he wants to say something. But he doesn't know what to say, but the racket that the slam of his bedroom door made throughout the entire house should say enough.

Steve is still on the floor when the three adults walk through the door, all smiles. His ma is the first to inquire, "What on earth are you doin' on the floor, Steven?" He smiles and shrugs innocently, grateful that nobody seems to see through him. He quietly and unsuspectingly gets up and leaves with his mother, hurt and rejected by a boy who can't decide between concealment of acknowledgement or the comfort of denial. He doesn't say anything. He's getting good at that.

\--

i.

It's 1934 the first time Bucky puts his hand on a girl's thigh under her jitterbug dress - watches her fall apart under his very watchful gaze without even trying, with the reward of her whispering praises that flew out the window once the moment was over - and it's exhilarating.

The first time he loses his virginity, it's to his classmate Isabella, who'd always make eyes at him when she walked into the room (or as she's known to everyone else, the girl who's too pretty to have her brains). One day she actually spoke to him, and Bucky gathered the little pride he had to respond.

After a while he'd started calling her Izzy - after a few weeks, she didn't call him anything at all. He didn't mind, because he'd carry their moment with him for the rest of his life - or, at least the rest of freshman year.

He felt like he could do anything, back then, while simultaneously feeling as if he didn't have to.  It's like nothing he'd ever felt, considering he was 15 then. He's 17 now, and it's only now that he recognizes that he didn't know any better.

\--

vi.

There comes a time when Bucky doesn't push him away. One day, when he see's Steve, his suspenders holding his pants up like the dork Bucky thinks he is, and he's looking at Bucky like he almost always is and it effects him just the same every time. "I don't know what you're doing to me," he reveals as his face hovers over Steve's, close enough for him to just dip down and close the space between them. They're on Steve's bed, and he's attacked with the overwhelming feeling of not wanting to hide anymore. He thinks that he relinquishes any and all uncertainty in his mind of who he is.

It was in that moment, when he sees Steve looking back at him with his big blue eyes that reminds him something like sapphire, he makes up his mind. But that feeling doesn't last very long - he just doesn't want to accept his fate. Maybe he's too scared of it.

\--

vii.

They spend Steve's birthday in Penny's diner at 9 p.m., and Bucky is seemingly okay with Steve stealing fries off of his place when he thinks he isn't looking. After taking some crumbled up bills out of his mom's purse earlier and getting Steve to ditch his own pathetically pitiful excuse of a birthday party (because Bucky strongly believes he deserves better), he spends the last 5 Lincolns in his pocket on something that matters.

Steve keeps smiling, it's radiating happiness and Bucky would be lying if he said it didn't effect him. Then he's kicked back into reality.

Steve is calling a waitress every swear word he could think of (even ones he didn't know that he knew) for openly refusing to serve the customers next to him, not much older than himself, and it looks as if they were on a date. "Sorry boy, but you know better. You know we don't serve your kind here," she spat nasty devaluations that Bucky was all too use to hearing being said to people of color, prior to directing the couple to the back door. Bucky has to carry him out while he was still yelling.

On their way back home, Steve calms down. It's a cold day in July and both their noses are red. They're walking in the direction of the freezing breeze, so Bucky gives Steve his coat when he sees him shiver. It's a gesture he finds endearing.

Steve drags them both gently into an alley and pulls them into a frenzied kiss, impassioned and burning. He wraps one leg around the back of Bucky's knee, and they hold each other, only pulling away momentarily to catch a breath.

When Bucky draws back for good, he stays close and keeps his eyes closed, brushing their noses together and smiling in each others' spaces. Bucky breathes out a laugh that Steve feels on his lips and opens his eyes. "Happy Birthday, Steve."

They get home and Bucky reminds himself briefly of the alcohol hidden behind his dad's stash of wine corks and playboy magazines where he thinks no one could find it. They sneak and get borderline drunk in the pantry, and he carries Steve upstairs, sweeps him right off his feet.

The desire to persevere to something they both want steals the oxygen right of their bodies until they're not just kissing anymore, both quiet as mice being aware of the consequences of being heard. " _Caught_ ," Bucky thinks.

It's like nothing they've ever felt - even if Bucky's done this once before, he's never felt so emotionally involved, so together. Steve thinks he's never been more connected with someone, unless it was someone's fist connecting with his jaw. Now, when Steve goes down to rest his head on Bucky's chest and gets a peck to his head in return, he feels safe, like he can be protected from anything; even the things he knows, or thinks, that he can protect himself from. He lets his mind fool itself just this once.

When Bucky looks down and his heart is in his throat, he wants to say something, but he can't.

\--

viii.

It's 1937 when Sarah Rogers gives her son a black-eye.

One of Steve biggest mistakes was believing that his mother would understand, would actually hear him. When he lets it slip out everything he's been trying so hard to conceal, whether it be about him being a queer, or him just admitting that he's in love with his neighbor, it backfires. Sarah reacts in every way Steve was hoping she wouldn't, almost like she stuck her hand into Steve's mind and played out all the worst outcomes of this conversation that Steve encouraged himself wouldn't happen.

"You don't understand ma," was definitely not what she wanted to hear. He guessed that when she socks him in the eye and bursts into tears, exclaiming how 'she didn't raise him this way' and 'she can't believe he would do this to her" and 'Steve's so vulnerable and Bucky probably doesn't love him back'. If Steve heard that last part, he doesn't pay it any mind because he's holding his eye and out the door in a fit before she can finish.

He breaks down before Bucky can fully embrace him, and doesn't fully stop until he's wincing at the bag of frozen peas being pressed onto his eye. "I gotta' stop letting girls punch me," he chokes out trying to clear the air. It doesn't work, Bucky just stops and stares at him and tells him he doesn't have to.

Bucky holds his head on his lap until it's late and he sneaks back into his house, hoping the floors don't give him away.

Steve knows his ma prays for him now, every night when she doesn't want Steve to hear, although he thinks she doesn't whisper low enough for her own good. He hears her in her room, practically hissing to God for the forgiveness of her child who's been led astray.

Some days he doesn't blame her, and that hopes God hears her, opens his ear to someone that's as passionate as she, because he definitely doesn't hear Steve all.

\--

ix.

"We'll get through this- one day. Together, if you want." Bucky tries to comfort one day, but Steve's heart becomes burdensome at these words, wipes his eyes and looks up with a dry laugh crawling up this throat.

"You don't have to lie to me, Buck." He pushes himself up from off of Bucky's floor. "Especially when you're still lying to yourself."

Bucky opens his mouth and closes it immediately, and when Steve walks out, they both know why.

\--

x.

In the end, all the pieces come together, and it's 1943 when Bucky finally comes to terms with himself and isn't afraid, but it's too late.

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure how much in this piece I got historically inaccurate, like when jitterbug dresses were in style or when playboy magazines came out. Also, this was pathetically shorter than I wanted it to be but I tried my best and hope you enjoy!


End file.
